whts on ur mind??

What’s on your mind? Whts the first thing thts on ur mind whn u wake up in the mornig? love? Dream? Pleasant thoughts? Fun ? Hope? Expectations? Wishes ? Well tht wud be on ur mind bt not on mine.the first thing tht comes to my mind whn i get up is hate! Regret! Abuse! Pain! Suffocation! Ruins ! sadness! Betrayl! Thats wht my day starts with! its easy to say “forget wht happened in the past n bring a new start.” But fuck u! coz it fkin isn’t. It fkin hurts. Makin things all again new is nt wht will mak any difference to u or any1else. Infact the truth is ppl don know ur dead or alive n neither are they bothered. Till the time ur a usefull element ppl will bothr. Once ur a trash can u can eat the rags n no one will gi 2 shits bout it. A lot goes in my fked up brain the moment i wake up. Either its drownin som1’s expectations, blowin away somthin i can probably never earn, hatred for ppl, actions tht i was supposed to do bt never ever did. Whtever it is , it just never is a pleasant start. I hav lived this for a fkin alf a decade n im so fkin sick n tired tht i can literally pull a trigger up ma fkin brain. Irs just tht i don wanna sound all coward plusi don hav the fkin cash. Im a bloody miser kid n don thin will ever liv ma life the way i want to. This is nt wht i had planned as a kid. I wanted evrythin to be fkin perfect n tht things to go the way i wanted.. i hate to compromise n i bloody well hate it whn things don go my way. I mak lot o fkin effort to mak thigs plan. To make things go the way i want thm. Its nt a fkin cake i hav n i pan. Its blood , sweat, money n fkin efforts tht ount. N if u blow tht away thn it fkin kills me frm inside. Life is no different frm Kenny who practically dies everyday. Its jus tht mentally i kill myself evry fkinhour.it jus is not wht i wanted. Surviving in this fkin world cud be so diff i neva knew. Maybe it isn’t. Maybre im just oushin a lot bt nt gon anywhere. So where the fk does the motherfkin effrt go? Does it go up ma arse or somtihn? Fk if i knew tht maybe i’d be a nobel prize winnin bitch or somthing. Fk this man. i don wanna live a fkin life where i struggle lik insane ass n yet get nt evn gt a dime. The nlything tht pisses me off is ppl nt doin shit n getting ll the cake. Fk thenm. Fk those motherfkers. N i fkin don mind if their head come under the rail tracks n gets bursted into bits n pieces. Fk em motherfkers. They say don expect anything. But fk it raises som kinda shit expectations whn u put in ur flik life. It dies make lot o fkin expectations. N if they.re turned down thn it turns evrythin down. Academics, social life, cmmnunications. Eyhtin jus gets so badly affected. Bt no1 will evr care. Thts the truth. U live, u die, u get aids, u gt cancer, u fkin die in war, u get mentally handicap, PARALISED, buised, beated to death.... no one will evr bother bout u. Unless obviously they need u. Whts goin on my mind? I feel lika fkin wasted investment in which my parents invested shit loads o money n they getting no returns. Infact its goin all negative. All ma fkin pals doin gr8 in their acads n makin parents proud. Fk thm. I bet 90% o thm wnt even gt to know if i died tonight. I wanna repay back evry single fkin penny they spent on me. Not coz i feel lik they doing a favour. Bt i just can’t tak all this cash n nt be able to giv a penny in return. If i were getting som bullfkin marks i wud still nt feel it as an issue. Bt fk . I just need to mess evthin up. The saddest i feel is bout the family. They doin the best they can get me the best out o me. N i lik a shit piece do nuffin.i try bt tryin aint enuf. There’s somthin more thn trial thts required. Thts somthin i cant get. Ppl said friends are life. I say friends are ppl tht vanish whn u hav probs. Swear man i don wanna trust, expect, count or jus think o anyone. Bt if only i cud stop things wud be so much bttr. Stop the earth frm moving. Stop progress. Stop the ray of light. Stop any hope. Stop the slightest possibility of optimist. The daily amount of pessimist i liv in is pretty much deep enuf to kill me. The only reason i drink black coffee is to die somday with caffeine overdose. Im so sick of living th way i am presently licing. I don feel at ease anyhere. Nt t my flat, not at my friends’, not at my parents’. I just don know whts happiness anymore. I know i sound pretty fked up bt its nybecoz i wanted to be this way. Its becoz evrythin arnd me is forcing me to lead this life. The only solace i find is in emo songs n fked up photographs. There was a time whn i was bothered bout the ppl in my lfe. Stay connected with them. Probably never loose them. Bt now evrythin jus vanished lik a flick of a page. Now humans are just mere figures who roam around the streets of my eyes every fkin day. I am least bothered ofwht kinda kid i am at the moment or if i need a phychi or nt. Bt all i know at this moment is tht whts goin on my mind is surely anything thn a candle in the dark. Im fkin sick o this life n hearing ppl dying only accelerates my eagerness to doe. I wated to die since 8th grade. I hav not lived a single momnt coz none o the moments hav ever been they way i wanted or planned. N thn ppl ask me “wht s on ur mind”? This notherfker is on my mind. Read it n fuk off !

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