SLO-FKIN-MOTION

“This Is My Beautiful Show And Everything Its Shot – Slo-Mo-Tion “

Shit’s been pretty nasty for a while now. Been more than a year since I last wrote something bout what I felt. Haha. I mean I look back feels pretty gay writing stuff bout urself. More lik what 14 yr old chicks do. But anyway, thing’s getting nasty n I smell like a caffeinated rattlesnake.

So after crying for a year, bumping into different hippie exams, I get into a something called “icici manipal academy”, lmao! From not getting anywhere to getting into some place that gives me a job, felt pretty grand at the first take, but as dazz pass the feeling gets numb and now I feel pretty much like the douche I felt when I joint my grad coll. Thought both are supposed to be pretty diff, I mean bastards say this is a so called “institute”. But I honestly feel this is just a place ppl r trained to swallow shit. It’s like swallowing your own puke, no wait, swallowing every1’s puke u see every day. Irrespective o the fact whether u want to or not. Haha.

Bastards o bodom I swear. Anywazz, so before I came here, I was so effing happy that imma finance my own shit, but as time passes by, it seems all ruined. Seems like I’m planning my own demise. With people discouraging everything u ever were good at and encouraging everything u vowed to never do. Behahahahahhaha. Bastards make me laugh at times. Life was never so stereotype.

The only thing that keeps me going is Manson’s music and bunch o scream emo songs. Enough to keep that fkin heart pumping some liquid in the fkin body. Swear, the only fkin exiting thing that happens here is “black coffee”. Honestly I don’t know wtf wud have I been without it. That’s like the only drug to keep me human. For a fkin change I feel I’m better than ppl arnd me. This shit feeling never cropped up within me, but yeah, ppl cud be so retarded wasn’t even my sweetest dreams. Haha. I can literally spot mistakes in every fkin sentence ppl speak here. And they think I’m some foreigner. Fuck em.

Bitch I wanted an fkin new lens, a HDD, a fkin Cadillac 64 Eldorado 1:18 and god knows what not shit. But ever since I entered this shithole, life’s been a motherfkin blowjob. Money goes in god knows what all shit. I’m fkin least bothered bout cash, after all I earn that shit. Might as well waste it. So what if I’m only known for sleeping in fked up classes and cracking lame as jokes, I’m glad I’m not known for telling shit ass probs bout my personal life. Yeah I know your probs r much more greater, but y the fk put it in a way as if I caused em. Ur fkin life biatch. Don assume I’m alwazz gonna be wid u. And another fkin thing I don’t get is, y cant ppl just say what they feel. I don’t get indirect shit. I don’t like me, tell me! U hate me, tell me so. Don fkin hint me shit, coz I aint gonna get one mofkin bit of it. U fkin burn down the bridge after I cross it and then ask me to fuck off. Like y make fucked up life more shit? Yeah I’m not fkin lucrative piece o glitter, but biatch whatever I am, I’m self fkin made! And I’m fkin happy about every single part o it.

U don like what I wear, what I speak, what I eat or what I desire, then jus get the fuck outa my face! Y waste your n my precious time. Sooner or later I know I’m gonna be where I alwazz was, I’m my room, drinkin coffee and editing snaps. That’s where I was and I know that’s where I’m gonna be later. So u think telling all your probs will make me feel like you’re giving me importance, but trust me, I’m already mindfucked enough to solve my own shit, forget your crap.

Now I don’t even know y the fuck I wrote all this shit. Waste o time.

For u as well as me.

Fuck my life!

Caffene

3:42 AM
Listening to Marilyn Manson can be funny at times. After some shit amount o concentrated caffene I feel lik a scared rat. Hands trembling, mindfked, sleep blown, scared to white and imagining all kinda shit. There's something bout caffene that really makes me go wack. It gives me a weird high. Feels like the body is dead n hollow from within but the brain is working 99 times faster. My heartbeat was never this fast. N on top of that switchin goth tracks o Manson with grunge of Nirvana gives a ''soothing'' effect. Its total cloud 9. Probably the most fearless feeling. I swear i'd fight a monster now.
Its lik all ur past knockin on ur face, tellin u whteva u r doin is wrong, wht u hav done in past is wrong n fuck wht u r gonna do is also gonna be so wrong. Hahahahahaha. Life is laughing at ur face n u just smile back.
Sometimes I feel ''kurt cobain'' died a very inspiring death. It was the most unthinkable deaths I had ever com accross. I mean seriously dude who blows a fkin shotgun up his face. The thought o it makes me wanna worship him ( too bad my god now is ''Manson''). Fkin legent that bastard is. After readin his article on wiki I thought all the deaths I had imagined of myself were so thrifty. Damn, he thought big, bigger than my pea size brain cud ever think.
Its so amazing how the dark side attracts you so much, how a person brings a change in you, your taste, language, thinking, actions.......fuckin everything.

Anyway we're drifting from topic. Its caffene biatch. Yes I feel lik heaven with caffene. I can walk for hours n hours. No food, no water, no company......just fkin solitude. Its so fkin energy supplying shit. Man its fkin crazy. I dunno how high does weed / smoke get u (i'm a pussy to try it) but caffene is a swear fkin leech. It sucks my sad memories n floods with weird yet pleasing thoughts. I like this!
Finally something I like.
Gawd this is fk awesome!

whts on ur mind??

What’s on your mind? Whts the first thing thts on ur mind whn u wake up in the mornig? love? Dream? Pleasant thoughts? Fun ? Hope? Expectations? Wishes ? Well tht wud be on ur mind bt not on mine.the first thing tht comes to my mind whn i get up is hate! Regret! Abuse! Pain! Suffocation! Ruins ! sadness! Betrayl! Thats wht my day starts with! its easy to say “forget wht happened in the past n bring a new start.” But fuck u! coz it fkin isn’t. It fkin hurts. Makin things all again new is nt wht will mak any difference to u or any1else. Infact the truth is ppl don know ur dead or alive n neither are they bothered. Till the time ur a usefull element ppl will bothr. Once ur a trash can u can eat the rags n no one will gi 2 shits bout it. A lot goes in my fked up brain the moment i wake up. Either its drownin som1’s expectations, blowin away somthin i can probably never earn, hatred for ppl, actions tht i was supposed to do bt never ever did. Whtever it is , it just never is a pleasant start. I hav lived this for a fkin alf a decade n im so fkin sick n tired tht i can literally pull a trigger up ma fkin brain. Irs just tht i don wanna sound all coward plusi don hav the fkin cash. Im a bloody miser kid n don thin will ever liv ma life the way i want to. This is nt wht i had planned as a kid. I wanted evrythin to be fkin perfect n tht things to go the way i wanted.. i hate to compromise n i bloody well hate it whn things don go my way. I mak lot o fkin effort to mak thigs plan. To make things go the way i want thm. Its nt a fkin cake i hav n i pan. Its blood , sweat, money n fkin efforts tht ount. N if u blow tht away thn it fkin kills me frm inside. Life is no different frm Kenny who practically dies everyday. Its jus tht mentally i kill myself evry fkinhour.it jus is not wht i wanted. Surviving in this fkin world cud be so diff i neva knew. Maybe it isn’t. Maybre im just oushin a lot bt nt gon anywhere. So where the fk does the motherfkin effrt go? Does it go up ma arse or somtihn? Fk if i knew tht maybe i’d be a nobel prize winnin bitch or somthing. Fk this man. i don wanna live a fkin life where i struggle lik insane ass n yet get nt evn gt a dime. The nlything tht pisses me off is ppl nt doin shit n getting ll the cake. Fk thenm. Fk those motherfkers. N i fkin don mind if their head come under the rail tracks n gets bursted into bits n pieces. Fk em motherfkers. They say don expect anything. But fk it raises som kinda shit expectations whn u put in ur flik life. It dies make lot o fkin expectations. N if they.re turned down thn it turns evrythin down. Academics, social life, cmmnunications. Eyhtin jus gets so badly affected. Bt no1 will evr care. Thts the truth. U live, u die, u get aids, u gt cancer, u fkin die in war, u get mentally handicap, PARALISED, buised, beated to death.... no one will evr bother bout u. Unless obviously they need u. Whts goin on my mind? I feel lika fkin wasted investment in which my parents invested shit loads o money n they getting no returns. Infact its goin all negative. All ma fkin pals doin gr8 in their acads n makin parents proud. Fk thm. I bet 90% o thm wnt even gt to know if i died tonight. I wanna repay back evry single fkin penny they spent on me. Not coz i feel lik they doing a favour. Bt i just can’t tak all this cash n nt be able to giv a penny in return. If i were getting som bullfkin marks i wud still nt feel it as an issue. Bt fk . I just need to mess evthin up. The saddest i feel is bout the family. They doin the best they can get me the best out o me. N i lik a shit piece do nuffin.i try bt tryin aint enuf. There’s somthin more thn trial thts required. Thts somthin i cant get. Ppl said friends are life. I say friends are ppl tht vanish whn u hav probs. Swear man i don wanna trust, expect, count or jus think o anyone. Bt if only i cud stop things wud be so much bttr. Stop the earth frm moving. Stop progress. Stop the ray of light. Stop any hope. Stop the slightest possibility of optimist. The daily amount of pessimist i liv in is pretty much deep enuf to kill me. The only reason i drink black coffee is to die somday with caffeine overdose. Im so sick of living th way i am presently licing. I don feel at ease anyhere. Nt t my flat, not at my friends’, not at my parents’. I just don know whts happiness anymore. I know i sound pretty fked up bt its nybecoz i wanted to be this way. Its becoz evrythin arnd me is forcing me to lead this life. The only solace i find is in emo songs n fked up photographs. There was a time whn i was bothered bout the ppl in my lfe. Stay connected with them. Probably never loose them. Bt now evrythin jus vanished lik a flick of a page. Now humans are just mere figures who roam around the streets of my eyes every fkin day. I am least bothered ofwht kinda kid i am at the moment or if i need a phychi or nt. Bt all i know at this moment is tht whts goin on my mind is surely anything thn a candle in the dark. Im fkin sick o this life n hearing ppl dying only accelerates my eagerness to doe. I wated to die since 8th grade. I hav not lived a single momnt coz none o the moments hav ever been they way i wanted or planned. N thn ppl ask me “wht s on ur mind”? This notherfker is on my mind. Read it n fuk off !

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Intro.......MyLifeStyle

Sometimes u jus don know whether wht u doin is right or wrong. Kinda weird feelin. Ur unaware o wht to do n when 2 do. U wanna do something knowin its important for u to do it but still u don doo it. It kinda kills u from inside knowin wht ur doin is wrong n tht so many ppl trust u. its jus so sad. Sometimes what u think is right Is what u actually want to be right. Its like ur craving for something n when u get it u jus leave it.

Kinda similar things happenin wid me right now. I dunno wtf im doin n why a I doin. Knowin ma exms r jus 3 days away im glued on ma PC. I know im supposed to study not the entire yr but atleast this fuckin week.i feel so retard these days. Cant get a thing right. Its not even like there’s some great expectations frm me. Damn all I want is 1^st class wid distinction. Those som o a guns won even lemme do tht.

U generally don do stuff tht “normal” ppl r supposed to do. U take 1 damn thing n get so hooked on it n go to any fuckin extent. Right from bleedin to cutting ppl to blowin ur head wid som punk ass metal music to jus kill ur frustration n the person because o whom all this shit happens is so fuckin busy elsewhere tht she aint got no time so know if u dead or alive.

And the worst part is tht when it all ends u realize it aint worth wastin time on.

Anyway this is jus an intro o my fucked up life. Now tht everything’s over I don giv damn to tht gal n who she wid n wht she do. Now all I wanna do is jus live normally which I doubt im doin since ages.

Time to kickass man. This is X signing out.